Sorry i have not been updating everyone, but i needed some Reza time.
not much medical news, my pain is now under control which is amazing. it makes such a difference. still no feelings from chest down. otherwise it's waiting time.
my head is very clear, although the hospital environment is generally realistically negative. everyone wants me to be realistic! they keep saying it to me! you are realistic aren't you? yes i am thank you very much. i find it that if i speak with an air of confidence about my chances of recovery, they think i'm in coocoo land. we'll know in 4 weeks time, that will put everyone's mind at rest. as far as i'm concerned, i will beat it and that's that. no other way to think, right?
let me describe you my room.
my room is 5 meters by 6 meters. window to my left, door to my right, my bed in the middle of the room, bathroom in front of the bed, i haven't been in there yet! to my right, small fridge with a small worktop surface area which has become the kitchen. window looks at the side of the hospital building, not very inspiring at all.
the days just rolled into a week, it was a good week, much better than last weekend.
my days have been much better, a very different routine than last weekend.
i sort of wake up around 6 to 7.30 with a very dry mouth (side effects of morphine) and slightly in pain, normally the pain wakes me up. it's not too bad, it's just the way i'm lying in bed. so i move about a little bit. i have what is called a monkey hoop above my bed, i grab it and pull my upper body from left to right. i'm getting better at it everyday.
i try to go back to sleep if i can, but it's very difficult to get comfortable. i have to eat something before i can take my tablets, but it's so much effort. it takes me an hour, sometimes till about 9 to get my strength and wake up. if i'm lucky Jojo walks in with some delicious sprouted and steamed millet i can have with rice milk, if not i ask the nurse to pass me a piece of sprouted bread or i have a bowl of sprouted buckwheat with rice milk. it's double hard being so disabled and being 100% faithful to my diet. but i believe in it.
depending on the nurse looking after me (it's an effort juicing the wheatgrass and i can't just ask any of them to do it) or if Jojo comes in early, i have a shot of wheatgrass which gives me immediate energy and i feel awake.
around 10.30 i have a bed wash, 2 nurses come in to do this, they need to turn me etc. the last couple of days i managed to wash my own upper body, i'm getting stronger everyday. i have my own organic soap and organic lavender cream and the nurses enjoy it, it smells delicious. they all ask about the diet, organic stuff and agree with what i'm doing.
sometimes, after the bath i feel shattered, i go to sleep for a little bit, otherwise they lift me up with hoist (an odd looking machine and it looks like they lift me up in a plastic bag!) and i sit in a very odd looking but well supported wheelchair. it's nice to be sitting upright, but very tiring as my muscles are weak/ not working to support myself.
Moh comes in at 11, makes my wheatgrass juice if i haven't had it and then my green juice. i read the paper as he makes my salad for lunch. i have my lunch as he reads the paper. he's got the food preparation down to perfection. it's a routine.
he leaves, either i have a little nap or get into my wheelchair for an hour. it's more of an exercise activity. the whole operation, getting me ready for the wheelchair, lift me up, put me in it, sit there, then get back to bed takes a couple of hours. it's such hard work. most of the time i poo myself as they move me, so they have to clean me etc... i used to get embarassed, but now it's a normal affair. i have absolutely no control, i'm just like a baby, i go. if i can i small something, i call the nurses, they come and clean me. that's another 30 minute job, sometimes in the middle of the night too!
Sometimes Dave (my step brother) comes around 5 and makes my juices for me. he is very good at it. Moh comes around 6/7 for my evening juice (if Dave hasn't come) and makes my dinner too. i'm a lot more lively in the evenings, we chat. my dad has been here this week, he comes in the evenings with Moh. it's been nice seeing him, he can't do much as he doesn't understand any of my diet. times goes by fairly quick, everyone leaves by 9. i do my research on spinal cord recovery, raw food suppliers, look for nice snacks etc.
around 11, i get ready for bed, nurses come in and turn me to my left or right and put cushions around me so i don't roll back. as i lie on my back most of the day, i sleep on my sides at night so i don't get pressure sores (the skin breaks if you put. my bed has air mattress, a pump pushes pressures around the mattress to help relieve pressure from one area. takes getting used to, also noisy at night.
i switch off around midnight, meditate and try to go to sleep. the mind games start, hopefully fall asleep around 1, around 4, they come to turn me and check if i'm clean! sometimes it's really difficult to go back to deep sleep after they roll me, and just dose on and off till i wake up.
all the nurses have been amazing this week, very caring and gentle. not much interaction with doctors, my pain in under control, i'm getting stronger by the day.
Jojo is getting into the RAW food cooking/preparation. she is making me nut ice cream, such an amazing treat. she is going to prepare different dishes at home and bring them in. i'm very lucky.
everyone says how inspiring i am and all the kind words and comments that i keep reading on the blog. when i look at the people around me, from my brother who is on call 24/7 to Jojo, Dave, my family, all my close friends and friends, to you beautiful people that are reading my blog, lifting my spirit with your words, positivity, encouragements, jokes and sharing your experiences, no wonder i feel as good as i do. i feel very lucky to be so loved, supported and appreciated by everyone. when i read some of the comments on the blog and emails that friends have sent, i have tears in my eyes, tears of such joy and happiness that everyone has so much enjoyed my existence, and they remember the little details about me, my personality and how i've changed their lives. i have tears in my eyes as i write this, it makes me so emotional in a nice way.
i'm going to beat this, no question about it. i'm giving it all i've got in a true Reza way.
this wednesday they will assess to see if i can go to a rehabilitation centre in London called The Wellington. This would be amazing as they specialize in people with the extend of my disability. the issue is i'm i well enough from the effects of the cancer to go out of hospital. i'm not holding hope for a transfer for at least another 3 weeks. will let you know.
a big thank you to my cousin Nadereh who's been shipping supplements, food and equipments constantly from America. thank you so much.
i'm looking forward to this week, i feel it's going to be a good week.
love and positive energy
to life force
reza
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Monday, 5 May 2008
Time is a Healer
i loved the jokes, and a good few of them hurt, specially the monkey!
it's been a hell of a weekend packed with everything; pain, despair, confusion, questions, back tracking, mind games, uncertainty, if this, if that, emotions, back to positivity, laughter, feeling supported, inspired, hope, and back again... you name it, i've felt it.
i got up Friday feeling weak and in pain. i saw the pain doctors and we decided to change my pain killer. i'm on OxyContin and Steroids, they're heavy on the stomach, make you constipated etc. i hate the thought of taking pills on an empty stomach too. they've offered me patches which is much easier to use, but it takes a few days to work out the right dose and make the move. it's been a painful swap. i felt as if i have tumor all over my body, every bit of my chest that is not paralised hurts. not only i can't move my lower body cause i can't feel it, my upper body is in so much pain, i don't want to move! on top of this, the side effects of chemo is kicking in and that is a whole different story itself.
it starts with a little of cry, feeling of despair, what have i done to deserve this? no one deserves this? this is too much, i feel drowsy and fall asleep, strange dreams, stuck between 2 worlds, questioning everything, the cancer, my diet, the chemo, will it work, should i be doing it, what choice do i have, what if it doesn't, my will to go on and so on! i'm frowning, teeth grinding, i wake up, mouth totally dry, feeling rough, have some water, bang, i feel alive again. brain kicks in, come on Reza, get yourself together... full circle and this just goes on for a few hours. nurses come in to check on me, but i just don't want to speak to anyone. Moh arrives and he comforts me. makes my wheatgrass juice and that picks me up, and i jump out of it. the rest of the day is up and down.
i spend a few hours reading through my blog, so inspiring, i love it. a few emails and texts come through on my phone, so encouraging and up lifting. i pick myself up and feel positive. i don't know what it is, but we get so easily caught up into a cyclone of negativity, it's so easy to give up, anyone can question, blame, find a way out. we can spend hours talking about why, discussing reasons, if i had done this, if i had done that, sooner, later, more, less... so easy to do as there is no answer. hindsight is a great thing and i wish we could live life using it, i wish! i am where i am, deal with it.
then i dream about food, chocolate, stake, chicken, pizza you name it, i'm craving it. puddings i didn't even like, i'm suddenly craving everything. if i'm taking chemo, why do i need the living food. maybe i have a little bit of desert, feel good factor. i start giving myself reasons why it would be ok. but then i realise i'm fighting for my life. no second prizes in this race.
the day turns into night... Moh goes through the routine, sorts out my room, makes sure i have everything i need, i brush my teeth and he leaves. the night journey begins... i try meditating, helps me sleep, but with my mind wondering off so often it's impossible. hours of going round emotional turnabouts!
i didn't sleep at all, up all night questioning everything, could not stop! this morning Jojo comes in, not sure what time it was but i was in my horror state of mind, tired and fed-up and i just burst into tears, like the mornings before. WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? Jojo comforts me, makes my wheatgrass juice and i come back to life again. Moh comes soon after. i ask for more pain killers, i feel better. my dad is coming to see me this afternoon. i haven't seen him for 6 months. last time i was on chemo too but not paralised. it's a tough news for any dad.
it was really nice to see him. they left an hour ago and now i'm posting.
i feel much better now. back to normal Reza. hopefully the roller coaster ride is over.
fingers crossed my dear friend good guy/bad guy Chemo has now left my body and i can get on dealing with Mr Cancer. Meanwhile i need to focus on my back, get my upper body stronger so i can get into a wheelchair easier, be more mobile, spend less time in bed like a vegetable, and start my new life campaign.
i have another Chemo in 18 days, and my scan in 32 days approx.
not that i'm counting, but time is the key factor and the healer in every way.
i'm getting used to my condition, i know it will be getting easier as time goes by.
Love and Positive Energy
Life Force
Reza
Just wanted to add that the nurses have been incredible this weekend.
Whatever there is to be said, when they are good, they have a heart of gold, Balgi, Sara, Jane, all of them.
Thank you so much.
it's been a hell of a weekend packed with everything; pain, despair, confusion, questions, back tracking, mind games, uncertainty, if this, if that, emotions, back to positivity, laughter, feeling supported, inspired, hope, and back again... you name it, i've felt it.
i got up Friday feeling weak and in pain. i saw the pain doctors and we decided to change my pain killer. i'm on OxyContin and Steroids, they're heavy on the stomach, make you constipated etc. i hate the thought of taking pills on an empty stomach too. they've offered me patches which is much easier to use, but it takes a few days to work out the right dose and make the move. it's been a painful swap. i felt as if i have tumor all over my body, every bit of my chest that is not paralised hurts. not only i can't move my lower body cause i can't feel it, my upper body is in so much pain, i don't want to move! on top of this, the side effects of chemo is kicking in and that is a whole different story itself.
it starts with a little of cry, feeling of despair, what have i done to deserve this? no one deserves this? this is too much, i feel drowsy and fall asleep, strange dreams, stuck between 2 worlds, questioning everything, the cancer, my diet, the chemo, will it work, should i be doing it, what choice do i have, what if it doesn't, my will to go on and so on! i'm frowning, teeth grinding, i wake up, mouth totally dry, feeling rough, have some water, bang, i feel alive again. brain kicks in, come on Reza, get yourself together... full circle and this just goes on for a few hours. nurses come in to check on me, but i just don't want to speak to anyone. Moh arrives and he comforts me. makes my wheatgrass juice and that picks me up, and i jump out of it. the rest of the day is up and down.
i spend a few hours reading through my blog, so inspiring, i love it. a few emails and texts come through on my phone, so encouraging and up lifting. i pick myself up and feel positive. i don't know what it is, but we get so easily caught up into a cyclone of negativity, it's so easy to give up, anyone can question, blame, find a way out. we can spend hours talking about why, discussing reasons, if i had done this, if i had done that, sooner, later, more, less... so easy to do as there is no answer. hindsight is a great thing and i wish we could live life using it, i wish! i am where i am, deal with it.
then i dream about food, chocolate, stake, chicken, pizza you name it, i'm craving it. puddings i didn't even like, i'm suddenly craving everything. if i'm taking chemo, why do i need the living food. maybe i have a little bit of desert, feel good factor. i start giving myself reasons why it would be ok. but then i realise i'm fighting for my life. no second prizes in this race.
the day turns into night... Moh goes through the routine, sorts out my room, makes sure i have everything i need, i brush my teeth and he leaves. the night journey begins... i try meditating, helps me sleep, but with my mind wondering off so often it's impossible. hours of going round emotional turnabouts!
i didn't sleep at all, up all night questioning everything, could not stop! this morning Jojo comes in, not sure what time it was but i was in my horror state of mind, tired and fed-up and i just burst into tears, like the mornings before. WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? Jojo comforts me, makes my wheatgrass juice and i come back to life again. Moh comes soon after. i ask for more pain killers, i feel better. my dad is coming to see me this afternoon. i haven't seen him for 6 months. last time i was on chemo too but not paralised. it's a tough news for any dad.
it was really nice to see him. they left an hour ago and now i'm posting.
i feel much better now. back to normal Reza. hopefully the roller coaster ride is over.
fingers crossed my dear friend good guy/bad guy Chemo has now left my body and i can get on dealing with Mr Cancer. Meanwhile i need to focus on my back, get my upper body stronger so i can get into a wheelchair easier, be more mobile, spend less time in bed like a vegetable, and start my new life campaign.
i have another Chemo in 18 days, and my scan in 32 days approx.
not that i'm counting, but time is the key factor and the healer in every way.
i'm getting used to my condition, i know it will be getting easier as time goes by.
Love and Positive Energy
Life Force
Reza
Just wanted to add that the nurses have been incredible this weekend.
Whatever there is to be said, when they are good, they have a heart of gold, Balgi, Sara, Jane, all of them.
Thank you so much.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Joke Day
another eventful day, but only a couple of doctor visits, but no more bad news. i'm having radiotherapy tomorrow to ease the pain on my left shoulder, that will give me a bit more mobility and quality of life straight away. radiotherapy is the least toxic and dangerous treatment of all for cancer and more money should be spent towards this area. i'm happy to go ahead with this treatment. There is a long story about my radiotherapy doctor. he is one in a million!!!! can't wait to tell you in my new post.
Gary, i've been imagining the movie and laughing about it all day. i bet it must have jumped to your head as you were reading. give me a few years, i'll walk again and we will make a movie. you can cast Jojo and Moh. Actually ZA, you will have to cast Moh. i tell you what he is slowly edging towards this diet having a few sips of green juice, i don't think apple pies will ever go off menu, nor the pint and a late curry. but all the exercise he is doing running around the golf course looking for his balls, he'll burn that off easy!
Moh gave me a hair cut in bed, followed by my nurse giving me a bed bath, i feel so good. brand new. a new physiotherapist came to see me today, she was good, we did some stretching, help me sit on the bed etc, just sitting upright on the bed was enough to make my day brighter. how the smallest of things make me so happy right now. i felt very tired afterwards, slept for a bit.
i'm taking every hour as it comes now, some moments of sadness, back tracking, looking back and wondering, but then i jump out of it. there is no point of thinking like that. what was so good about Hippocrates was the notion of NOW and then HOPE for the future. we must behave like mountain river (not sure what the right name is), fresh water keep flowing, the minute we stop, we become stagnated, we'll end up smelling, like i did before i had my bed bath : ). in a way being in hospital does that, specially when you're being told bad news after bad news, not only physically you're hit, mentally you're being tortured. i'm not saying for a second it's done with bad intentions, but it's how it makes me feel.
So i'm focusing on NOW, and i'm getting more positive by the minute. You are all part of this healing, your comments are helping me every step of the way. As i said, it's difficult to reply to everyone as there is so much to say in reply, a delicious RAW food dinner evening perhaps. I really want to go on your blogs and others, learn from your experiences, i just don't seem to find the time.
i seem to have so much to do, the list doesn't stop.
i will make an extra effort this weekend.
i'm not having any visitors either as i don't have the energy. this is my time. my blog is my healing and communication gateway right now. it's sit alongside my meditation.
i was thinking about a joke today. i fancy hearing a good joke. tomorrow is Friday, let's have a joke blog day, something we can share at the weekend. i wana tell the doctors or whoever comes in here. come on, let's see who's got the best jokes. i know Ardy has a lot of jokes, but some really bad ones! Arash, this is your time boy. disabled jokes are also welcomed. it can't be said i'm discriminating, can it?
love you all, and so grateful for your support.
to life force
reza
i totally forget, i was having chemo today, it finished around 8 tonight. i don't feel any different, no sickness. for sure we must be friends. come on buddy, let's kill some cancer cells. life force is all around you, helping you and watching you. in and out, it's a deal. we do the job together, you get out and life force and i will clear up. don't leave anything behind. we'll see you in 21 days. safe journey and thank you.
Gary, i've been imagining the movie and laughing about it all day. i bet it must have jumped to your head as you were reading. give me a few years, i'll walk again and we will make a movie. you can cast Jojo and Moh. Actually ZA, you will have to cast Moh. i tell you what he is slowly edging towards this diet having a few sips of green juice, i don't think apple pies will ever go off menu, nor the pint and a late curry. but all the exercise he is doing running around the golf course looking for his balls, he'll burn that off easy!
Moh gave me a hair cut in bed, followed by my nurse giving me a bed bath, i feel so good. brand new. a new physiotherapist came to see me today, she was good, we did some stretching, help me sit on the bed etc, just sitting upright on the bed was enough to make my day brighter. how the smallest of things make me so happy right now. i felt very tired afterwards, slept for a bit.
i'm taking every hour as it comes now, some moments of sadness, back tracking, looking back and wondering, but then i jump out of it. there is no point of thinking like that. what was so good about Hippocrates was the notion of NOW and then HOPE for the future. we must behave like mountain river (not sure what the right name is), fresh water keep flowing, the minute we stop, we become stagnated, we'll end up smelling, like i did before i had my bed bath : ). in a way being in hospital does that, specially when you're being told bad news after bad news, not only physically you're hit, mentally you're being tortured. i'm not saying for a second it's done with bad intentions, but it's how it makes me feel.
So i'm focusing on NOW, and i'm getting more positive by the minute. You are all part of this healing, your comments are helping me every step of the way. As i said, it's difficult to reply to everyone as there is so much to say in reply, a delicious RAW food dinner evening perhaps. I really want to go on your blogs and others, learn from your experiences, i just don't seem to find the time.
i seem to have so much to do, the list doesn't stop.
i will make an extra effort this weekend.
i'm not having any visitors either as i don't have the energy. this is my time. my blog is my healing and communication gateway right now. it's sit alongside my meditation.
i was thinking about a joke today. i fancy hearing a good joke. tomorrow is Friday, let's have a joke blog day, something we can share at the weekend. i wana tell the doctors or whoever comes in here. come on, let's see who's got the best jokes. i know Ardy has a lot of jokes, but some really bad ones! Arash, this is your time boy. disabled jokes are also welcomed. it can't be said i'm discriminating, can it?
love you all, and so grateful for your support.
to life force
reza
i totally forget, i was having chemo today, it finished around 8 tonight. i don't feel any different, no sickness. for sure we must be friends. come on buddy, let's kill some cancer cells. life force is all around you, helping you and watching you. in and out, it's a deal. we do the job together, you get out and life force and i will clear up. don't leave anything behind. we'll see you in 21 days. safe journey and thank you.
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
The System
it's incredible how powerful the mind is, how it must cope with any given situation. i have been in bed for a week, in one room, people coming in and going out. My brother and Jojo providing a continuous flow of Life Force (food) keeping me alive and healthy, the doctors bringing a continuous delivery of bad news, the nurses doing the best of what they can with bellow the par tools, experience and information, cleaners who come in at the worst time you can imagine, make the room sting of toxic disinfectants, and porters who bang you against every wall in the hospital as they wheel you to different scanning machines. I'm telling you, it's great fun. for sure it beats going from pool to pool, treatment to treatment, in the beautiful Florida sunshine at Hippocrates.
So Mr Dehghani you are paralised for life, chest down and IF you survive the cancer, you will live life in a wheelchair. OK, i get the message, but when can i start looking at rehabilitation centers and give myself the best rehabilitation start, i need to limit every millimeter of damage to my spine and potential future movements, i need to see a specialist urgently. this is a cancer hospital and you guys don't know much about spinal rehabilitation. i was recommended Stoke Mandveille and The Wellington Centre. can we please get in touch with them and ask for some advice as what my range of movements should be and what to avoid? you can't just forget about my legs, i can't just forget about them, if miracles happen, i want it to happen to me, i want to protect myself. They were all looking at me as if i had lost my mind!
Their response was we need to start you on this new Chemotherapy and stop the tumor from growing further. I said the last MRI scan did not show extensive growth. Can we do a CT scan, see the extend of disease growth and take a decision on the chemo then. A CT scan was organised for Tuesday.
I spent all day Monday calling the different rehabilitation centers myself, emailing them URGENT, URGENT, URGENT etc. Monday night, 8 pm! a Dr Fidel Derry from Stoke Mandveille called me. i was very touched he had taken the time to do this. he asked me to tell him my story from the beginning which i did. He knew the neurosurgeon who had given the disability verdict on my leg and but did not get involved in his verdict.
He said i hope you don't mind me being frank with you. we/most rehabilitation centers work with post accident injuries and rarely with spinal cord rehabilitation caused by chronic diseases. we feel that unless there is a high chance of recovery, ie total remission from the tumor, then it is not in the best interest of the patient or the hospital to spend 3 to 4 months rehabilitating you. they could be spending this time with their friends and family and enjoy the last few months of their lives! Basically they would not accept me as a patient, unless my oncologist was convinced that i have good survival chance of more than a year so on. these were harsh words, once again, ruling out all possibilities and killing hope. But for some very strange reason, the way he explained his opinion, i saw a sense in what he was saying, not that i agreed with it. i could see how it would be true for some people. he then went on to explain that after rehabilitation people live a normal independent lives, they can drive, live on their own, they might not be able to do DIY or might need help with gardening, but life can be pretty much normal depending on their age and their will. he made me feel good about the future, much better about my situation. amazing what an experience voice does. i started thinking of electric wheelchairs, all disability allowances, parking, never queuing, there are so many benefits. i will just cream it : )
Tuesday morning i needed bathroom, i had to be lifted out of my bed by a hoist and put into a portable loo, the funniest thing you can imagine. as i was hanging up in the air, Jojo and i were looking at each other laughing. what has life come to! so glad she was there to help me. i did my enema and wheatgrass implant. i felt so good after awards. i totally cleared my digestive system. when you're stuck in a bed, it all gets stuck in you, so important you clear it so new food and energy can follow through. now they normally give u drugs or depositories, don't fancy those chemicals going in. natural way al the way.
CT Scan. 30 minutes later.... Doctors come in groups.
Your disease is out of control. The latest CT Scan, contrary to the MRI scan which had shown no tumor growth on the spine, shows tumor spread to your liver, right chest and your previous tumor in your back chest wall has doubled in size. aggressive and fast growing. we need urgent action.
We are 50% confident the chemo will work and we want to start tomorrow. we need to organise your PICC line for tomorrow, i asked for 30 minutes to confirm my decision.
So this is what i did
My Situation:
Enemy, an extremely fast tumor growing in me, the ferrari of all tumors.
Friend, My Diet, Going to Hippocrates saved my life, but takes time, patience, it's a life change program
Dodgy guy i know, he doesn't have a good reputation, he is new boy on the block and he is being questioned. he has support from some people and not others, he is quick and could give a hand to the diet buying him some time.
i think i need to get my friend and the dodgy guy work together and kick the shit of the Enemy.
Right now, it is also very important that i have my full Oncologists support. he has pulled some major strings with doctors and surgeons, and i need to focus on the bigger picture.
chemo attack, food heal, together they kick ass. Professor and I work together and get me into a rehab.
i had my PICC line put in this morning. it's a thin tube pushed through one of your veins from your elbow to your heart, strange feeling. My room became an operating theatre in seconds. they put green sheets on everything, head to toe in surgeon outfit etc. anyway, small pinch and 20 minutes, it's in. thanks god for that. i was sweating, pinching my fingers banging my phone against my head, anything to divert the attention. i had to twist my neck and look down to avoid the line going towards the brain! that didn't happen. She was very sweet, friendly and fun.
At 6pm they brought it.
i'm lying on my bed with a futuristic looking baby milk bottle! it's my companion for the next 24 hrs.
we are meditating together with my toxic bottle of chemo and accepting him into the family. i'm warning him not to be too harsh, and respect what i have been doing for the lest 4 weeks.
we are going to work as a team, we have the same objective.
by embrassing a foreign object or even a chemical, we can united them and get the most of out them.
So this is what i'm doing.
I contacted a beautiful lady called Nadia who has been working with male and female breast cancer patients for over 20 year. She works at the Heaven Clinic in London Fullham. She had it herself and healed herself totally naturally. She was at Hippocrates a few years ago, we shared our experience and we both felt in heaven for short period of time, she brought back so many inspirational stories, hope and miracles
Positivity is so important. i'm getting more and more fired up by the day, feels the hospital brings you down soon as you arrive and you got to bounce back. i'm meeting a highly recommended acupuncturist tomorrow, look into wheelchairs, you can spend more money on a car than a wheelchair! couple hand excercise tools, get the blood going. come on let the journey begin. i wana get out of this bed.
we have been doing my Hippocrates diet 100% exact since i arrived. i wonder how many people have managed to be as disciplined as we. Unquestionably we have a good team, i'm the guide, Moh is everything, shopper, delivery, juicing, makes salads. Jojo is juicing, salads and gourmet shopping and hygiene. So grateful, so please everyone a major sending of love, strength and energy to Moh and Jojo.
no need to say how wonderful you all are supporting me in this tough journey. i would love to have a one to one replies with everyone one day, meet the people i don't know, i have so much more to learn from your experience. can't wait.
but for tonight i'm going to make friends with my Dodgy friend. i don't know too much about him, enough he could be dangerous, but he could have a another side.
i'm lying on my bed with a futuristic looking baby milk bottle! it's my companion for the next 24 hrs.
we're going to have some grown up chats about this cancer guy, who does he think he is. let's kick his ass.
by the morning, we will be working as a unit.
all my love and a new life
life force
So Mr Dehghani you are paralised for life, chest down and IF you survive the cancer, you will live life in a wheelchair. OK, i get the message, but when can i start looking at rehabilitation centers and give myself the best rehabilitation start, i need to limit every millimeter of damage to my spine and potential future movements, i need to see a specialist urgently. this is a cancer hospital and you guys don't know much about spinal rehabilitation. i was recommended Stoke Mandveille and The Wellington Centre. can we please get in touch with them and ask for some advice as what my range of movements should be and what to avoid? you can't just forget about my legs, i can't just forget about them, if miracles happen, i want it to happen to me, i want to protect myself. They were all looking at me as if i had lost my mind!
Their response was we need to start you on this new Chemotherapy and stop the tumor from growing further. I said the last MRI scan did not show extensive growth. Can we do a CT scan, see the extend of disease growth and take a decision on the chemo then. A CT scan was organised for Tuesday.
I spent all day Monday calling the different rehabilitation centers myself, emailing them URGENT, URGENT, URGENT etc. Monday night, 8 pm! a Dr Fidel Derry from Stoke Mandveille called me. i was very touched he had taken the time to do this. he asked me to tell him my story from the beginning which i did. He knew the neurosurgeon who had given the disability verdict on my leg and but did not get involved in his verdict.
He said i hope you don't mind me being frank with you. we/most rehabilitation centers work with post accident injuries and rarely with spinal cord rehabilitation caused by chronic diseases. we feel that unless there is a high chance of recovery, ie total remission from the tumor, then it is not in the best interest of the patient or the hospital to spend 3 to 4 months rehabilitating you. they could be spending this time with their friends and family and enjoy the last few months of their lives! Basically they would not accept me as a patient, unless my oncologist was convinced that i have good survival chance of more than a year so on. these were harsh words, once again, ruling out all possibilities and killing hope. But for some very strange reason, the way he explained his opinion, i saw a sense in what he was saying, not that i agreed with it. i could see how it would be true for some people. he then went on to explain that after rehabilitation people live a normal independent lives, they can drive, live on their own, they might not be able to do DIY or might need help with gardening, but life can be pretty much normal depending on their age and their will. he made me feel good about the future, much better about my situation. amazing what an experience voice does. i started thinking of electric wheelchairs, all disability allowances, parking, never queuing, there are so many benefits. i will just cream it : )
Tuesday morning i needed bathroom, i had to be lifted out of my bed by a hoist and put into a portable loo, the funniest thing you can imagine. as i was hanging up in the air, Jojo and i were looking at each other laughing. what has life come to! so glad she was there to help me. i did my enema and wheatgrass implant. i felt so good after awards. i totally cleared my digestive system. when you're stuck in a bed, it all gets stuck in you, so important you clear it so new food and energy can follow through. now they normally give u drugs or depositories, don't fancy those chemicals going in. natural way al the way.
CT Scan. 30 minutes later.... Doctors come in groups.
Your disease is out of control. The latest CT Scan, contrary to the MRI scan which had shown no tumor growth on the spine, shows tumor spread to your liver, right chest and your previous tumor in your back chest wall has doubled in size. aggressive and fast growing. we need urgent action.
We are 50% confident the chemo will work and we want to start tomorrow. we need to organise your PICC line for tomorrow, i asked for 30 minutes to confirm my decision.
So this is what i did
My Situation:
Enemy, an extremely fast tumor growing in me, the ferrari of all tumors.
Friend, My Diet, Going to Hippocrates saved my life, but takes time, patience, it's a life change program
Dodgy guy i know, he doesn't have a good reputation, he is new boy on the block and he is being questioned. he has support from some people and not others, he is quick and could give a hand to the diet buying him some time.
i think i need to get my friend and the dodgy guy work together and kick the shit of the Enemy.
Right now, it is also very important that i have my full Oncologists support. he has pulled some major strings with doctors and surgeons, and i need to focus on the bigger picture.
chemo attack, food heal, together they kick ass. Professor and I work together and get me into a rehab.
i had my PICC line put in this morning. it's a thin tube pushed through one of your veins from your elbow to your heart, strange feeling. My room became an operating theatre in seconds. they put green sheets on everything, head to toe in surgeon outfit etc. anyway, small pinch and 20 minutes, it's in. thanks god for that. i was sweating, pinching my fingers banging my phone against my head, anything to divert the attention. i had to twist my neck and look down to avoid the line going towards the brain! that didn't happen. She was very sweet, friendly and fun.
At 6pm they brought it.
i'm lying on my bed with a futuristic looking baby milk bottle! it's my companion for the next 24 hrs.
we are meditating together with my toxic bottle of chemo and accepting him into the family. i'm warning him not to be too harsh, and respect what i have been doing for the lest 4 weeks.
we are going to work as a team, we have the same objective.
by embrassing a foreign object or even a chemical, we can united them and get the most of out them.
So this is what i'm doing.
I contacted a beautiful lady called Nadia who has been working with male and female breast cancer patients for over 20 year. She works at the Heaven Clinic in London Fullham. She had it herself and healed herself totally naturally. She was at Hippocrates a few years ago, we shared our experience and we both felt in heaven for short period of time, she brought back so many inspirational stories, hope and miracles
Positivity is so important. i'm getting more and more fired up by the day, feels the hospital brings you down soon as you arrive and you got to bounce back. i'm meeting a highly recommended acupuncturist tomorrow, look into wheelchairs, you can spend more money on a car than a wheelchair! couple hand excercise tools, get the blood going. come on let the journey begin. i wana get out of this bed.
we have been doing my Hippocrates diet 100% exact since i arrived. i wonder how many people have managed to be as disciplined as we. Unquestionably we have a good team, i'm the guide, Moh is everything, shopper, delivery, juicing, makes salads. Jojo is juicing, salads and gourmet shopping and hygiene. So grateful, so please everyone a major sending of love, strength and energy to Moh and Jojo.
no need to say how wonderful you all are supporting me in this tough journey. i would love to have a one to one replies with everyone one day, meet the people i don't know, i have so much more to learn from your experience. can't wait.
but for tonight i'm going to make friends with my Dodgy friend. i don't know too much about him, enough he could be dangerous, but he could have a another side.
i'm lying on my bed with a futuristic looking baby milk bottle! it's my companion for the next 24 hrs.
we're going to have some grown up chats about this cancer guy, who does he think he is. let's kick his ass.
by the morning, we will be working as a unit.
all my love and a new life
life force
Saturday, 26 April 2008
What a day? What a week?
Very difficult to think of a tittle for this post. it's amazing what a difference a week or a day can make!
Is it further set back or is it my path in life?
Unfortunately things have got a lot worst since my last post.
From Sunday onwards i have been loosing more and more strength in my feet and legs to the point where on Tuesday i could barely move them.
Tuesday morning i decided it was time to come home and get a scan, see what is going on. Hippocrates is a healing clinic and they do not do diagnosis, there are no scanners and testing equipments.
In the back of my mind i was convinced it was not the cancer growing as i 100% believe in this diet and life style program. it all makes sense. but something had to be going on in my body, my condition was getting worst by the hour.
i saw the doctors at Hippocrates on Tuesday, they agreed with my decision, i changed my flight to Wednesday evening, the next available flight and started getting ready to come home.
Wednesday morning i woke up once again weaker, but managed to get myself onto my wheelchair, into the taxi and the airport.
overall it was a comfortable journey. i was still positive all the way. strange going through the airport, everyone with cups of Starbucks in the their hands, all the shops serving fast food, the smell absolutely delicious and so tempting. i boarded the plane but as time went by i started to become worried as to what was happening. doesn't matter how much you try and control your mind, it still runs away with thoughts and emotions fly high. i could not do my meditation as i couldn't get my mind under control, i just couldn't concentrate. i decided to take a couple of sleeping pills and sleep my way back, and i did.
Moh picked me up from the airport and we came straight to the hospital. i had organised everything before getting here so they were expecting me. obviously the general understanding amongst the doctors was that the tumor had grown during this time as i was not having chemo therapy causing further damage to my spine etc. i had an MRI scan at 4 pm on Thursday. they scanned the whole spine and neck, but the tumor had not grown. the scan was identical to my last scan. at least that's what they said. GREAT news.
but what could it be? a nerve infection, but that would mean i have contracted another disease, that would be highly unlikely. i have been getting healthier, boosting my immune system and so on. but i suppose i was still hoping for another reason than the cancer.
On Friday morning the doctors think the problem might be coming from higher up, perhaps a tumor in the brain!!! oops, that really got me going now. mind racing, all sorts of possibilities coming to my head. moments of real darkness, worry but at the same time confusion and i feel very emotional. i was having all sorts of thoughts in the MRI scanner. my head was inside a barred cage, the machine making loud tapping noises, i was listening to classical music on the headphones and thinking about a one way ticket to the an inevitable destination. But, and there was a big BUT, this all doesn't make sense. the first scan is not showing growth, how could there be a tumor in the brain and grown so quickly as to affect my strength over night. also i don't have any side affects such a blurred vision or headaches... i suddenly realized that just being in this environment i was starting to have negative thoughts, so easily distracted, my positivity, hope and belief was fading away, i was going backwards. come on Reza get yourself together.
the scan took 30 minutes, and the results came out within 15 minutes, all clear. a beautiful glowing brain : ) at least i definitely know i have a brain!
So what does it mean now?
20 minutes later, a neurologist consultant arrived.
he examined me and straight away ruled out any possibility of viral infection. he reviewed the scans and believed that there was further pressure on the spinal cord causing spinal cord compression or tumor growth around a blood vessel feeding the spinal cord. he prescribed IV steroids to protect my spine overnight and see if it helps with the pressure. this morning i felt slightly energetic, but that was the high dosage of steroids!
next step was to see a Neurologist surgeon to see if he can operate to relieve the pressure on the spinal cord to save my legs.
Mr Cassie arrived at 5 today, a very nice chap, in his 50s. straight to the point, he went through my symptoms, examined me, and without hesitation told me there was nothing he could do. it would be a big operation, but fairly straight forward, will take 2hrs, however he doesn't feel it would benefit me. i will risk further infection, pain, weakness and my body will have to deal with the trauma of an operation. basically i have lost my legs. no chance of recovery!!! over the next few weeks all feelings will go including pins and needles, i will be like a vegetable from chest down.
His words were piercing through my brain. every word was like a sharp bullet entering my skull, this is the end, just lie there and wait till you're totally crippled, no way back, no hope, no chance, no miracles, nothing he can do and he is very experienced. any question we asked, the answer was no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....
my mind was rushing, i was trying to visualize the life ahead of me, what life? this is not a life, just do the operation, i need to try anything, i don't want this ending, anything but this. i can't just sit here and wait till i disintegrate. this is not how it's suppose to end, no way. tears starting to poor out. Moh and Jojo were in the room with me. Dr apologizes and leaves the room.
silence, tears, my body is shaking, not sure what it is? anger, fear, sadness, outrage, what am i thinking, what should i be thinking, come on Reza, get yourself together, stop and think. but tears just took over and i just let them out.
the tears stopped and i had a clear head for a few seconds.
positivity came rushing back into my head. so many dreams wiped out of my life, but so many more came rushing in. i can make a life of this, there are 1000's of people out there successful, living healthy rich lives. i just need to find my way. then the miracles, the testimonials of the people i had met and read about at Hippocrates start rushing back, power of the mind, positive thinking. i suddenly remembered i was exactly in the same position 6 weeks ago when they told me it was all over. i managed to walk again lift my spirit, be enlightened, and be so happy.
i'm looking at it this way, what are my options? sit here and be sad, cry about it, or believe in myself and get on with life. i can make a good like. i have to play my hand, whatever my cards. it's going to be tough, so tough, the sooner i come to terms with it, the further ahead i will be.
so i'm as positive as one can be under the circumstances.
i was very annoyed he didn't give me any advice on how to protect my spinal cord from further damage and what sort routine, exercise, massage, movement or activity to adopt straight away to preserve the rest of my spine and increase my strength. this demonstrates their further narrow point of view on healing and hope. so now i am on case of finding a top rehabilitation consultant and give myself every chance to heal myself.
i am continuing with my diet and lifestyle change. some of you may say that the tumor is growing and the diet is not working. the diet takes time, it could be the tumor was still feeding on left over sugar in my body, it's takes time to clean the body, maybe the tumor had grown just a few millimeters and that was enough. anyway, that's what the doctors are saying.i have asked for CT scan this week to see if there is tumor growth anywhere else in my body, and unless there is clear evidence the tumor is growing, i am not going back to chemotherapy. i hope to get home as soon as possible to start my new life.
i'm not sad, i'm not asking why? why me? how this could be happening? i'm not backtracking to see if things could have been different, i don't see any point in this. the best thing i can do is to concentrate on the future, have hope, be positive. as Dr Brian said, 2 years to get rid of the cancer and 7 years to rebuild my body. i needed to learn patient, here comes my lesson. maybe i start my book, start studying, start a new business, so many things to do.
i will be continuing this blog, i love hearing from everyone, it helps me immensely, specially at times when i don't have time to call people, it's great reading your thoughts.
i wish more people would write. i think they enjoy reading the blog and everyone's comments, but don't take those few extra minutes to write something. it can be anything, doesn't need to be intellectual. could be about the weather or your day. just know that those few words makes Reza smile.
i've been telling most of the nurses here about my diet. Sarah makes my wheatgrass juice in the mornings for me. it's amazing how little everyone knows about nutrition and diets.
i'm starting to get emails from various people at Hippocrates. such wonderful people, and to hear how it has changed everyone's life in such a positive direction, it inspires me further that miracles are there waiting for us, we need to move towards them.
what a day, what a week, let's see what kind of life it will be.
love and positive energy
to life force
Reza
Is it further set back or is it my path in life?
Unfortunately things have got a lot worst since my last post.
From Sunday onwards i have been loosing more and more strength in my feet and legs to the point where on Tuesday i could barely move them.
Tuesday morning i decided it was time to come home and get a scan, see what is going on. Hippocrates is a healing clinic and they do not do diagnosis, there are no scanners and testing equipments.
In the back of my mind i was convinced it was not the cancer growing as i 100% believe in this diet and life style program. it all makes sense. but something had to be going on in my body, my condition was getting worst by the hour.
i saw the doctors at Hippocrates on Tuesday, they agreed with my decision, i changed my flight to Wednesday evening, the next available flight and started getting ready to come home.
Wednesday morning i woke up once again weaker, but managed to get myself onto my wheelchair, into the taxi and the airport.
overall it was a comfortable journey. i was still positive all the way. strange going through the airport, everyone with cups of Starbucks in the their hands, all the shops serving fast food, the smell absolutely delicious and so tempting. i boarded the plane but as time went by i started to become worried as to what was happening. doesn't matter how much you try and control your mind, it still runs away with thoughts and emotions fly high. i could not do my meditation as i couldn't get my mind under control, i just couldn't concentrate. i decided to take a couple of sleeping pills and sleep my way back, and i did.
Moh picked me up from the airport and we came straight to the hospital. i had organised everything before getting here so they were expecting me. obviously the general understanding amongst the doctors was that the tumor had grown during this time as i was not having chemo therapy causing further damage to my spine etc. i had an MRI scan at 4 pm on Thursday. they scanned the whole spine and neck, but the tumor had not grown. the scan was identical to my last scan. at least that's what they said. GREAT news.
but what could it be? a nerve infection, but that would mean i have contracted another disease, that would be highly unlikely. i have been getting healthier, boosting my immune system and so on. but i suppose i was still hoping for another reason than the cancer.
On Friday morning the doctors think the problem might be coming from higher up, perhaps a tumor in the brain!!! oops, that really got me going now. mind racing, all sorts of possibilities coming to my head. moments of real darkness, worry but at the same time confusion and i feel very emotional. i was having all sorts of thoughts in the MRI scanner. my head was inside a barred cage, the machine making loud tapping noises, i was listening to classical music on the headphones and thinking about a one way ticket to the an inevitable destination. But, and there was a big BUT, this all doesn't make sense. the first scan is not showing growth, how could there be a tumor in the brain and grown so quickly as to affect my strength over night. also i don't have any side affects such a blurred vision or headaches... i suddenly realized that just being in this environment i was starting to have negative thoughts, so easily distracted, my positivity, hope and belief was fading away, i was going backwards. come on Reza get yourself together.
the scan took 30 minutes, and the results came out within 15 minutes, all clear. a beautiful glowing brain : ) at least i definitely know i have a brain!
So what does it mean now?
20 minutes later, a neurologist consultant arrived.
he examined me and straight away ruled out any possibility of viral infection. he reviewed the scans and believed that there was further pressure on the spinal cord causing spinal cord compression or tumor growth around a blood vessel feeding the spinal cord. he prescribed IV steroids to protect my spine overnight and see if it helps with the pressure. this morning i felt slightly energetic, but that was the high dosage of steroids!
next step was to see a Neurologist surgeon to see if he can operate to relieve the pressure on the spinal cord to save my legs.
Mr Cassie arrived at 5 today, a very nice chap, in his 50s. straight to the point, he went through my symptoms, examined me, and without hesitation told me there was nothing he could do. it would be a big operation, but fairly straight forward, will take 2hrs, however he doesn't feel it would benefit me. i will risk further infection, pain, weakness and my body will have to deal with the trauma of an operation. basically i have lost my legs. no chance of recovery!!! over the next few weeks all feelings will go including pins and needles, i will be like a vegetable from chest down.
His words were piercing through my brain. every word was like a sharp bullet entering my skull, this is the end, just lie there and wait till you're totally crippled, no way back, no hope, no chance, no miracles, nothing he can do and he is very experienced. any question we asked, the answer was no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....
my mind was rushing, i was trying to visualize the life ahead of me, what life? this is not a life, just do the operation, i need to try anything, i don't want this ending, anything but this. i can't just sit here and wait till i disintegrate. this is not how it's suppose to end, no way. tears starting to poor out. Moh and Jojo were in the room with me. Dr apologizes and leaves the room.
silence, tears, my body is shaking, not sure what it is? anger, fear, sadness, outrage, what am i thinking, what should i be thinking, come on Reza, get yourself together, stop and think. but tears just took over and i just let them out.
the tears stopped and i had a clear head for a few seconds.
positivity came rushing back into my head. so many dreams wiped out of my life, but so many more came rushing in. i can make a life of this, there are 1000's of people out there successful, living healthy rich lives. i just need to find my way. then the miracles, the testimonials of the people i had met and read about at Hippocrates start rushing back, power of the mind, positive thinking. i suddenly remembered i was exactly in the same position 6 weeks ago when they told me it was all over. i managed to walk again lift my spirit, be enlightened, and be so happy.
i'm looking at it this way, what are my options? sit here and be sad, cry about it, or believe in myself and get on with life. i can make a good like. i have to play my hand, whatever my cards. it's going to be tough, so tough, the sooner i come to terms with it, the further ahead i will be.
so i'm as positive as one can be under the circumstances.
i was very annoyed he didn't give me any advice on how to protect my spinal cord from further damage and what sort routine, exercise, massage, movement or activity to adopt straight away to preserve the rest of my spine and increase my strength. this demonstrates their further narrow point of view on healing and hope. so now i am on case of finding a top rehabilitation consultant and give myself every chance to heal myself.
i am continuing with my diet and lifestyle change. some of you may say that the tumor is growing and the diet is not working. the diet takes time, it could be the tumor was still feeding on left over sugar in my body, it's takes time to clean the body, maybe the tumor had grown just a few millimeters and that was enough. anyway, that's what the doctors are saying.i have asked for CT scan this week to see if there is tumor growth anywhere else in my body, and unless there is clear evidence the tumor is growing, i am not going back to chemotherapy. i hope to get home as soon as possible to start my new life.
i'm not sad, i'm not asking why? why me? how this could be happening? i'm not backtracking to see if things could have been different, i don't see any point in this. the best thing i can do is to concentrate on the future, have hope, be positive. as Dr Brian said, 2 years to get rid of the cancer and 7 years to rebuild my body. i needed to learn patient, here comes my lesson. maybe i start my book, start studying, start a new business, so many things to do.
i will be continuing this blog, i love hearing from everyone, it helps me immensely, specially at times when i don't have time to call people, it's great reading your thoughts.
i wish more people would write. i think they enjoy reading the blog and everyone's comments, but don't take those few extra minutes to write something. it can be anything, doesn't need to be intellectual. could be about the weather or your day. just know that those few words makes Reza smile.
i've been telling most of the nurses here about my diet. Sarah makes my wheatgrass juice in the mornings for me. it's amazing how little everyone knows about nutrition and diets.
i'm starting to get emails from various people at Hippocrates. such wonderful people, and to hear how it has changed everyone's life in such a positive direction, it inspires me further that miracles are there waiting for us, we need to move towards them.
what a day, what a week, let's see what kind of life it will be.
love and positive energy
to life force
Reza
Monday, 21 April 2008
A Little Set Back
Funny how i almost predicted i needed to rest!!!
after the writing my last post on Sat night, i had a good night sleep, but woke up in the morning and i could not feel my LEGS!
at first i thought i was dreaming. i sort of stayed in bed for a little bit longer thinking the feeling will come back, i just haven't woken up yet. half an hour later, nothing, i can't move my feet, either of them. i tried to do my meditation but couldn't get into it. i felt a dehydrated, so tried to get up to drink some water, it was very difficult getting up. i was in the room on my won, it was scary.
it took me a couple of hours to get myself together, i drank some water and took my pain killers and sat upright on my bed searching for reasons as to why this was happening. it was a very dark moment, i had tears on my eyes, i just couldn't believe it. i could not even stand on my legs to go to the toilet. But i was walking a few days ago, i had been walking with 1 crutch most of the week, i've been doing my exercises. if i was overdoing it, i would just be a little tired, i wouldn't loose all feelings, go back to point ZERO! what was happening?
all i could think of was to call Vincent, the guy that gave me the massage and helped me walk again. so i called him and he was very calm on the phone. he said to go in and have a massage, it's probably a nerve that has come out of place and this set backs happen often, almost to everyone. 1 step back, 2 steps forward. he was very reassuring and it helped.
i got myself together and Dell picked me up and took me in. it was very hard, i never thought i could make it out of bed.
i went to see Frank, the robot fingers. he had one look at me and said my hip/pelvis was totally twisted. my abs are not strong enough to hold my pelvis in place and it was normal. he did his thing and that got a few muscles moving.
i was in no pain, just no movement, i try to move my feet, my feet don't move. so frustrating.
i came out of Frank's treatment room feeling better, more confident it was temporary set back.
Suddenly Vincent appeared. on his day off, he had decided to come and see me, and make sure i was OK. i was so touched, so pleased to see him, but i felt bad he had spent his sunday driving up (in US everywhere is miles away) to see me. he took me to a quiet corner and did some more work on my legs, back and neck, we had dinner together and he took me home. what beautiful soul. as he left my place, i lied in my bed and fell asleep with the light on. i kept the light on all night, didn't want to be in the dark. i woke up a few times in the middle of the night, tried moving my legs, but no feeling at all. so disappointing, so dark and depressing. i hadn't had this feeling since the day i was told my cancer was all over my back, and chest. for the first time, that feeling of despair was coming back. i went back to sleep and hoped it would get better by the morning.
i had blood test this morning, and i really wanted to go so that i could see the results. this was one appointment i could not miss. i got up at 6 and started to somehow stretch y body and get some blood circulation going on. so hard, i just could see how i could make it out of the bed. i was convinced for a about 20 minutes that i would be bedridden for a couple of days at least. NIGHTMARE.
It was 8 and Dell was knocking on the door. how do i let him in? i can't get up. i don't know how, but i somehow managed to get up and drag myself to door, let him in, and from then he helped me on. he got my WHEELCHAIR for me. yes back in the wheelchair. everyone was coming over all day and encouraging me that it was a small set back, and they are right. i also heard how it happens to so many people, very lucky i'm staying a 4th week, and i have good support here.
i started talking to various staff straight away to understand why this had happened. the reason why i lost the feeling in my legs was because my spine was compressed by the tumor pressing on it. so this was happening again. i'm very confident it's not the tumor growing back, it would not happen over night. it would happen over a few days like it did before. also with this diet, i'm confident the tumor is stopped dead in its tracks. i feel much better overall. so what is pressing against my spinal cord! the only thing i could think of is i had too much nut ice cream (3 servings, should only have 1) on Sat night followed by cooked (i didn't know!!!!) tortilla wraps. they are both very difficult to digest and produce a lot of gas in the stomach if you are not strong to handle them. i felt my stomach and it was very hard. i wheeled myself to the colonic room as quick as i could, and asked the clonic lady what she thought, she touched my stomach and oh boy, she was amazed. very lucky for me, the lady whose appointment was at 9, gave me her place and i went in for a clonic. i had enough gas coming out of me to power Florida for a day. i came out feeling much better, still no feeling in my legs but a lot more relaxed and upper body strength. i have another clonic tomorrow with abdominal massage before hand, i'm hoping that this will make even a bigger improvement. unfortunately i have to go through the process of rebuilding my nerves and muscles again, but that's a small worry.
i have learnt another big lesson, how sensitive our body is in recovery mode. it requires patience and taking it slow. the 2 attributes i miss dearly in life. it has also taught me not to loose faith, believe in what you are doing even when you're having a set back. we can't help having negative thoughts, i think that is almost impossible, but we must stay positive. don't be flaky.
so i fasted on juice today and blended my food so i would ease my digestion. the same tomorrow and Wednesday. i'm going to do Frank's exercise routine every morning, lunch time and evening to get my abs strong and take it slow.
i'm writing this sitting in my wheelchair, i'm just as positive as i was on Sat, a little unhappy as i've lost some of my independence and freedom, but i'm on the right track and i'm sure i will make bigger recovery this time round. i'm going to take my time and be more careful.
i enjoyed reading everyone's comments. you don't know how happy it makes me when i get new comments.
i would love to reply to everyone, but i need to time to do my things, i will get back to everyone individually when i have the time. but please keep the comments coming. i love hearing from new people and people i don't know who have discovered the blog through friends. it's very inspiring for me to know people are enjoying the blog.
all my love
to life force and positive attitude
reza
after the writing my last post on Sat night, i had a good night sleep, but woke up in the morning and i could not feel my LEGS!
at first i thought i was dreaming. i sort of stayed in bed for a little bit longer thinking the feeling will come back, i just haven't woken up yet. half an hour later, nothing, i can't move my feet, either of them. i tried to do my meditation but couldn't get into it. i felt a dehydrated, so tried to get up to drink some water, it was very difficult getting up. i was in the room on my won, it was scary.
it took me a couple of hours to get myself together, i drank some water and took my pain killers and sat upright on my bed searching for reasons as to why this was happening. it was a very dark moment, i had tears on my eyes, i just couldn't believe it. i could not even stand on my legs to go to the toilet. But i was walking a few days ago, i had been walking with 1 crutch most of the week, i've been doing my exercises. if i was overdoing it, i would just be a little tired, i wouldn't loose all feelings, go back to point ZERO! what was happening?
all i could think of was to call Vincent, the guy that gave me the massage and helped me walk again. so i called him and he was very calm on the phone. he said to go in and have a massage, it's probably a nerve that has come out of place and this set backs happen often, almost to everyone. 1 step back, 2 steps forward. he was very reassuring and it helped.
i got myself together and Dell picked me up and took me in. it was very hard, i never thought i could make it out of bed.
i went to see Frank, the robot fingers. he had one look at me and said my hip/pelvis was totally twisted. my abs are not strong enough to hold my pelvis in place and it was normal. he did his thing and that got a few muscles moving.
i was in no pain, just no movement, i try to move my feet, my feet don't move. so frustrating.
i came out of Frank's treatment room feeling better, more confident it was temporary set back.
Suddenly Vincent appeared. on his day off, he had decided to come and see me, and make sure i was OK. i was so touched, so pleased to see him, but i felt bad he had spent his sunday driving up (in US everywhere is miles away) to see me. he took me to a quiet corner and did some more work on my legs, back and neck, we had dinner together and he took me home. what beautiful soul. as he left my place, i lied in my bed and fell asleep with the light on. i kept the light on all night, didn't want to be in the dark. i woke up a few times in the middle of the night, tried moving my legs, but no feeling at all. so disappointing, so dark and depressing. i hadn't had this feeling since the day i was told my cancer was all over my back, and chest. for the first time, that feeling of despair was coming back. i went back to sleep and hoped it would get better by the morning.
i had blood test this morning, and i really wanted to go so that i could see the results. this was one appointment i could not miss. i got up at 6 and started to somehow stretch y body and get some blood circulation going on. so hard, i just could see how i could make it out of the bed. i was convinced for a about 20 minutes that i would be bedridden for a couple of days at least. NIGHTMARE.
It was 8 and Dell was knocking on the door. how do i let him in? i can't get up. i don't know how, but i somehow managed to get up and drag myself to door, let him in, and from then he helped me on. he got my WHEELCHAIR for me. yes back in the wheelchair. everyone was coming over all day and encouraging me that it was a small set back, and they are right. i also heard how it happens to so many people, very lucky i'm staying a 4th week, and i have good support here.
i started talking to various staff straight away to understand why this had happened. the reason why i lost the feeling in my legs was because my spine was compressed by the tumor pressing on it. so this was happening again. i'm very confident it's not the tumor growing back, it would not happen over night. it would happen over a few days like it did before. also with this diet, i'm confident the tumor is stopped dead in its tracks. i feel much better overall. so what is pressing against my spinal cord! the only thing i could think of is i had too much nut ice cream (3 servings, should only have 1) on Sat night followed by cooked (i didn't know!!!!) tortilla wraps. they are both very difficult to digest and produce a lot of gas in the stomach if you are not strong to handle them. i felt my stomach and it was very hard. i wheeled myself to the colonic room as quick as i could, and asked the clonic lady what she thought, she touched my stomach and oh boy, she was amazed. very lucky for me, the lady whose appointment was at 9, gave me her place and i went in for a clonic. i had enough gas coming out of me to power Florida for a day. i came out feeling much better, still no feeling in my legs but a lot more relaxed and upper body strength. i have another clonic tomorrow with abdominal massage before hand, i'm hoping that this will make even a bigger improvement. unfortunately i have to go through the process of rebuilding my nerves and muscles again, but that's a small worry.
i have learnt another big lesson, how sensitive our body is in recovery mode. it requires patience and taking it slow. the 2 attributes i miss dearly in life. it has also taught me not to loose faith, believe in what you are doing even when you're having a set back. we can't help having negative thoughts, i think that is almost impossible, but we must stay positive. don't be flaky.
so i fasted on juice today and blended my food so i would ease my digestion. the same tomorrow and Wednesday. i'm going to do Frank's exercise routine every morning, lunch time and evening to get my abs strong and take it slow.
i'm writing this sitting in my wheelchair, i'm just as positive as i was on Sat, a little unhappy as i've lost some of my independence and freedom, but i'm on the right track and i'm sure i will make bigger recovery this time round. i'm going to take my time and be more careful.
i enjoyed reading everyone's comments. you don't know how happy it makes me when i get new comments.
i would love to reply to everyone, but i need to time to do my things, i will get back to everyone individually when i have the time. but please keep the comments coming. i love hearing from new people and people i don't know who have discovered the blog through friends. it's very inspiring for me to know people are enjoying the blog.
all my love
to life force and positive attitude
reza
Saturday, 19 April 2008
3rd Week & Graduation
This Friday was the end of the 3 week program. everyone that we arrived with (apart from a couple of people and myself) have now left Hippocrates. On Friday everyone gets together and talks about their experience over the last 3 weeks. it was extremely emotional and amazing how this place changes everyone's life. i can pretty much tell you that most people feel the same way as i do, in their own way. they can see the transformation in their physical bodies and mental state. they are all looking forward to their new lives, healthier with higher consciousness of their existence. admittedly not everyone will find it easy, but even a small step, it's a step in the right direction. everyone made a little speech, tears of joy and endless gratitude for the education and care they had received. it was moving. i highly recommend this place to anyone and everyone who wishes to change in their lives for the better. you don't have to be ill like me to start, you can avoid all the trauma.
I know i have not posted since Tuesday, my epic walk and dance. my legs are feeling tried. it's been none stop since i got here. the place is big and i have to walk with crutches every where, from main building to the therapy room, to the poll, to the juice room, to the gym, then home and back etc. most people that are healthy or at least they can walk are complaining how tired they are, now there is me dragging my feet around, in the gym, exercising in the pool and pushing myself (reza style)! and it just all caught up with me. so i've been taking it a little slower, i need to be more patient with my legs. my target of coming home walking won't happen. it will take me longer. but i took those few steps without my crutches and danced without my crutches, and that has given me a world of confidence that i will walk again. i'm happy with this feeling.
Last week coming up. i have a lot more treatments still to do, it's amazing, it just doesn't stop. but once i'm out of here i won't have access to it, so might as well make the most of it.
i'm reading a book called: The China Study. i can't put it down. it's a study on the correlation between food/nutrition and chronic diseases (cancer, heart attack etc). it's easy read and fast, very clear and to the point. highly recommend it. I've been meaning to post a reading list, will do tomorrow. So anyone looking for a good book to read, get this asap, it will blow your mind away and changes your attitude towards your food.
I am so bought into this diet and the effect of food on health. obviously for me it's a matter of life and death, but the more i read, the more sense it all makes. it's great for me. imagine you have a major problem and you start solving it bit by bit. great feeling no? but the rabitt hole is so deep, we have been so poorly informed, it will take months and years, and tons of good books to really understand food.
My friend Kristyan introduced me to the concept of RAW food (and i will be forever grateful). he said just look into it, so i did a little research and for sure just thinking about it, cooking/heat burns food. raw food is whole food, everything in it is in its natural state. i started salads but eating a lot of fruits. one would agree that fruits are living food and full of vitamins and nutrition. one would think, good move. having read and learnt what i have learnt the last 3 weeks, my sudden increase intake of fruits was probably the biggest contributor to my cancer spreading so fast through out my body and hitting my spine etc.. (you know the rest). i was eating tons of dates (super food), apples, carrots, mangos, dried fruits, honey etc, full of sugar. the cancer cells were having a flied day and the candida in my body was flourishing starving my blood of oxygen making the cancer cells even happier. in addition i was trying to eat protein to maintain my weight, once again, as i have learnt animal protein is a huge contributor to cancer
Amazing, when you think you are being healthy, but because of your simple lack of knowledge, you're doing your body, the most important thing you own in the world, devastating damage. why are we so poorly informed!
i have been chatting to the new people arriving here, new groups of people arrive every Sunday. there are 4 different people with stage 4 cancer, same as me. you can imagine how they feel. i was convinced i had made the right decision coming here before i got here, i did a lot of reading and went to the lecture by Dr Clement in London which sealed the deal for me. but for these guys, they are just getting into the program, some talk to their doctors and are still debating if they should go ahead with their chemo. some of these doctors are so pushy, calling them and telling them they have to come back and take it, and sign a contract that they will take a full course! can you believe it. but gradually, after going to a few lectures and reading the handouts, also seeing the change in their body, the confidence levels increase and their attitude changes. this has such an inspiring effect on everyone. i just wish all these people stuck in these hospitals around the world, being pumped these devastating drugs into their veins could see this and experience this. can you imagine, when the nurses give you the chemo, they wear radioactive protective gloves incase the chemo spills, it doesn't hurt their skin. now they're putting that stuff into your body! how does that make any sense! not good for their skin, but good for your internal organs!
after being here fore 3 weeks, i feel 100% confident but 70% competent to sprout and prepare food for myself. this is no game play or role play. i need to get home and start sprouting and continue this strict diet. i have been buying myself all the equipments, basically a whole new kitchen. i've been researching food suppliers, seeds, spices, herbs etc. i have to buy an additional suitcase to bring back my supplements. it feels like a full time job. having legs would make things a lot easier, but that in itself is a humbling experience. to top it all, i have to organise my move to Ibiza. the sooner i get out of London the better, fresh sea air, sunshine and vegetation. i'm the only person on the plane going to Ibiza for healthy living, how ironic!
i'm looking forward to getting visitors, it will be like doing a health eduction program in Ibiza. you will come there and learn all about living food, read the books and eat the good food. how great? i'm looking forward to it.
it's late now, i love you and leave you all.
look forward to some fun informative comments.
our bodies are truly amazing. did you know, we totally regenerate a whole new body every 7 years.
every living cell in our body is brand new after 7 years.
bring it on 2015.
to life force
I know i have not posted since Tuesday, my epic walk and dance. my legs are feeling tried. it's been none stop since i got here. the place is big and i have to walk with crutches every where, from main building to the therapy room, to the poll, to the juice room, to the gym, then home and back etc. most people that are healthy or at least they can walk are complaining how tired they are, now there is me dragging my feet around, in the gym, exercising in the pool and pushing myself (reza style)! and it just all caught up with me. so i've been taking it a little slower, i need to be more patient with my legs. my target of coming home walking won't happen. it will take me longer. but i took those few steps without my crutches and danced without my crutches, and that has given me a world of confidence that i will walk again. i'm happy with this feeling.
Last week coming up. i have a lot more treatments still to do, it's amazing, it just doesn't stop. but once i'm out of here i won't have access to it, so might as well make the most of it.
i'm reading a book called: The China Study. i can't put it down. it's a study on the correlation between food/nutrition and chronic diseases (cancer, heart attack etc). it's easy read and fast, very clear and to the point. highly recommend it. I've been meaning to post a reading list, will do tomorrow. So anyone looking for a good book to read, get this asap, it will blow your mind away and changes your attitude towards your food.
I am so bought into this diet and the effect of food on health. obviously for me it's a matter of life and death, but the more i read, the more sense it all makes. it's great for me. imagine you have a major problem and you start solving it bit by bit. great feeling no? but the rabitt hole is so deep, we have been so poorly informed, it will take months and years, and tons of good books to really understand food.
My friend Kristyan introduced me to the concept of RAW food (and i will be forever grateful). he said just look into it, so i did a little research and for sure just thinking about it, cooking/heat burns food. raw food is whole food, everything in it is in its natural state. i started salads but eating a lot of fruits. one would agree that fruits are living food and full of vitamins and nutrition. one would think, good move. having read and learnt what i have learnt the last 3 weeks, my sudden increase intake of fruits was probably the biggest contributor to my cancer spreading so fast through out my body and hitting my spine etc.. (you know the rest). i was eating tons of dates (super food), apples, carrots, mangos, dried fruits, honey etc, full of sugar. the cancer cells were having a flied day and the candida in my body was flourishing starving my blood of oxygen making the cancer cells even happier. in addition i was trying to eat protein to maintain my weight, once again, as i have learnt animal protein is a huge contributor to cancer
Amazing, when you think you are being healthy, but because of your simple lack of knowledge, you're doing your body, the most important thing you own in the world, devastating damage. why are we so poorly informed!
i have been chatting to the new people arriving here, new groups of people arrive every Sunday. there are 4 different people with stage 4 cancer, same as me. you can imagine how they feel. i was convinced i had made the right decision coming here before i got here, i did a lot of reading and went to the lecture by Dr Clement in London which sealed the deal for me. but for these guys, they are just getting into the program, some talk to their doctors and are still debating if they should go ahead with their chemo. some of these doctors are so pushy, calling them and telling them they have to come back and take it, and sign a contract that they will take a full course! can you believe it. but gradually, after going to a few lectures and reading the handouts, also seeing the change in their body, the confidence levels increase and their attitude changes. this has such an inspiring effect on everyone. i just wish all these people stuck in these hospitals around the world, being pumped these devastating drugs into their veins could see this and experience this. can you imagine, when the nurses give you the chemo, they wear radioactive protective gloves incase the chemo spills, it doesn't hurt their skin. now they're putting that stuff into your body! how does that make any sense! not good for their skin, but good for your internal organs!
after being here fore 3 weeks, i feel 100% confident but 70% competent to sprout and prepare food for myself. this is no game play or role play. i need to get home and start sprouting and continue this strict diet. i have been buying myself all the equipments, basically a whole new kitchen. i've been researching food suppliers, seeds, spices, herbs etc. i have to buy an additional suitcase to bring back my supplements. it feels like a full time job. having legs would make things a lot easier, but that in itself is a humbling experience. to top it all, i have to organise my move to Ibiza. the sooner i get out of London the better, fresh sea air, sunshine and vegetation. i'm the only person on the plane going to Ibiza for healthy living, how ironic!
i'm looking forward to getting visitors, it will be like doing a health eduction program in Ibiza. you will come there and learn all about living food, read the books and eat the good food. how great? i'm looking forward to it.
it's late now, i love you and leave you all.
look forward to some fun informative comments.
our bodies are truly amazing. did you know, we totally regenerate a whole new body every 7 years.
every living cell in our body is brand new after 7 years.
bring it on 2015.
to life force
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