i loved the jokes, and a good few of them hurt, specially the monkey!
it's been a hell of a weekend packed with everything; pain, despair, confusion, questions, back tracking, mind games, uncertainty, if this, if that, emotions, back to positivity, laughter, feeling supported, inspired, hope, and back again... you name it, i've felt it.
i got up Friday feeling weak and in pain. i saw the pain doctors and we decided to change my pain killer. i'm on OxyContin and Steroids, they're heavy on the stomach, make you constipated etc. i hate the thought of taking pills on an empty stomach too. they've offered me patches which is much easier to use, but it takes a few days to work out the right dose and make the move. it's been a painful swap. i felt as if i have tumor all over my body, every bit of my chest that is not paralised hurts. not only i can't move my lower body cause i can't feel it, my upper body is in so much pain, i don't want to move! on top of this, the side effects of chemo is kicking in and that is a whole different story itself.
it starts with a little of cry, feeling of despair, what have i done to deserve this? no one deserves this? this is too much, i feel drowsy and fall asleep, strange dreams, stuck between 2 worlds, questioning everything, the cancer, my diet, the chemo, will it work, should i be doing it, what choice do i have, what if it doesn't, my will to go on and so on! i'm frowning, teeth grinding, i wake up, mouth totally dry, feeling rough, have some water, bang, i feel alive again. brain kicks in, come on Reza, get yourself together... full circle and this just goes on for a few hours. nurses come in to check on me, but i just don't want to speak to anyone. Moh arrives and he comforts me. makes my wheatgrass juice and that picks me up, and i jump out of it. the rest of the day is up and down.
i spend a few hours reading through my blog, so inspiring, i love it. a few emails and texts come through on my phone, so encouraging and up lifting. i pick myself up and feel positive. i don't know what it is, but we get so easily caught up into a cyclone of negativity, it's so easy to give up, anyone can question, blame, find a way out. we can spend hours talking about why, discussing reasons, if i had done this, if i had done that, sooner, later, more, less... so easy to do as there is no answer. hindsight is a great thing and i wish we could live life using it, i wish! i am where i am, deal with it.
then i dream about food, chocolate, stake, chicken, pizza you name it, i'm craving it. puddings i didn't even like, i'm suddenly craving everything. if i'm taking chemo, why do i need the living food. maybe i have a little bit of desert, feel good factor. i start giving myself reasons why it would be ok. but then i realise i'm fighting for my life. no second prizes in this race.
the day turns into night... Moh goes through the routine, sorts out my room, makes sure i have everything i need, i brush my teeth and he leaves. the night journey begins... i try meditating, helps me sleep, but with my mind wondering off so often it's impossible. hours of going round emotional turnabouts!
i didn't sleep at all, up all night questioning everything, could not stop! this morning Jojo comes in, not sure what time it was but i was in my horror state of mind, tired and fed-up and i just burst into tears, like the mornings before. WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? Jojo comforts me, makes my wheatgrass juice and i come back to life again. Moh comes soon after. i ask for more pain killers, i feel better. my dad is coming to see me this afternoon. i haven't seen him for 6 months. last time i was on chemo too but not paralised. it's a tough news for any dad.
it was really nice to see him. they left an hour ago and now i'm posting.
i feel much better now. back to normal Reza. hopefully the roller coaster ride is over.
fingers crossed my dear friend good guy/bad guy Chemo has now left my body and i can get on dealing with Mr Cancer. Meanwhile i need to focus on my back, get my upper body stronger so i can get into a wheelchair easier, be more mobile, spend less time in bed like a vegetable, and start my new life campaign.
i have another Chemo in 18 days, and my scan in 32 days approx.
not that i'm counting, but time is the key factor and the healer in every way.
i'm getting used to my condition, i know it will be getting easier as time goes by.
Love and Positive Energy
Life Force
Reza
Just wanted to add that the nurses have been incredible this weekend.
Whatever there is to be said, when they are good, they have a heart of gold, Balgi, Sara, Jane, all of them.
Thank you so much.
28 comments:
Reza,
Oh my God, I cried when I read your post tonight. I don't understand why either. Your ability to come back again is powerful.
So sorry about the Iran thing; you are so smart for one so young. I am happy that your father is there with you; nuturing by one's father is so important. I broke down and cried when I was on my way to Hippocrates when I spoke to my 94 yr. old father. Feeling so weak and sick; I just cried "I want my Momma." like a child. They hear us.
My daughter loves you and will do her best for more info. Many more
prayers, candles and Angels to be
yours tonight.
God bless you,
Love Janice
Hi Reza joon,
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all these tormented feelings. You deserve a much better and richer life.
I'm so glad to hear your dad came to see you. Amoo has a good way of bringing lightness and humor to his surroundings. You've got his wonderful sense of humor and disposition.
I pray this second batch of chemo and your good Life Force eating, will knock the wind out of these bad cancer cells. Together with your positive mind and attitude, you can beat this thing.
As ever, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope this week will be a much better one than last week, for you.
Love,
XOX Nadereh
Reza,
Iv'e just been thinking of how glad I am I met you and that I am so proud and privileged to call you my friend.
love Nx
Hey Reza,
Cry, get angry, shake your fist at the world, contemplate, scheme, dream, plan, appreciate, laugh, smile, feel sad, feel afraid, feel like a pizza, feel like two pizzas, hate the pain, hate the bed, play to win and beat this thing . . . . because you can, because you will, because you are stronger, better and will never stop being Reza.
So let it be written . . . so will it be done.
much love and respect
Gary
Oh Reza you stir up such emotion. You have a wonderful ability to allow us all to be involved in the roller coaster that is your life at the moment. We who read your powerful writing are awed, inspired and amazed by the wonder of you. Diamond Reza.
In addition to your dodgy friend Chemo and your trusted friend your diet, add your caring and loving friends who read your blog and support you with love and power of the mind. There must be so much positive energy coming your way Reza. Rejoice in it and heal. You have the time.
So much more to say, so inadequate the words. Big respect to you Reza. You wonderful, powerful, inspirational, HEALING Reza. x
Reza,
I came to see you yesterday, but even though I was expecting to see you in a very ill state I was amazed to see you so strong and mentally well. I truly admire your courage and the way you are facing this challenge. I truly believe that someone who is so strong can win this tough battle and come out at the other end as a winner. I admire your strength of character Reza and I always have. I have always been proud of you...you have made me proud in so many different ways, ever since you were young and so independant to when you started your business single handedly and built it up to such a successful company. I find it difficult to see you now for someone who has worked so hard and been so active...up so early in the morning and back home so late at night, and still working even when you get back home. I find it so hard to see you have this little setback and to not be doing the things you were doing, but I am sure this is just a set back and you will be back again.
I love you from the bottom of my heart and I only hope you are better sooner rather than later and back to your old self.
Baba
P.S Your uncle Reza called this morning and was aaking me how you were. You are always in his thoughts and he wishes you all the best in your fight against your illness and hopes to see you in Iran once you are well again.
Hi Reza
I know we have never met but your openness (is that a word?!) and honesty has made me feel like I have been your friend for ever!
THANK YOU for that gift.
When I read todays post, I just wanted to gather you up in a big hug and make it all go away and I am sure that is what everyone else is thinking too.
You continue to find your strength reserves (powered by wheatgrass it seems) - Keep up the fight, you are doing so well.
Love and cyber hugs
Emma xxxxxxxxxxxx
Reza
You are a true hero, only real heroes know suffering so intimately & then find real strength in the face of it over & over again..
You aren't responsible for this illness, please don't blame yourself at any level for it ... you're taking responsibility for it in such an incredible way just keep going, so often miracles come out of persistance..
I'm sure when the cancerous/toxic cells start getting truly starved out they panic & they use some really desperate tactics to try to get some of the food they love.. they start sending these messages up to our brains....p i z z a......
p u d d i n g........ s t e a k...... trying so hard to tempt us to feed them again but we know better..
stay strong, stay in sprout/wheatgrass land.. they cant live there..
Be very kind to yourself
wishing you so much of everything good
kate
Dear Reza,
I'm just testing, will write more if this works.
Reza Jan
It sounds so incredibly tough, what you are going through!
I really felt your last posting down to the bone. Throughout the day, you were at the front of my mind. The emotional and mental strain, the physical pain and weary side effects of chemo are all so awful, bastards! each able to drain our will and strength to fight. Then again, you don´t do half measures, despite how overwhelming it sounds, you fight on, never giving up. Its natural to think positive and negative, key is to get back on the horse, let the good guy win.
I am really proud of you, we all are. Take each day as it comes, don´t give up hope and be patient. Like you say, time is a healer. You may have lost a couple of battles of late but the war is not over. You will conquer this, if anyone can, you can.
I only wish there was more we could do. Miss you lots. All my love to Mo, JoJo and your Dad.
LEADER.
1. One that leads or guides.
2. One who is in charge or in command of others.
Rezy:
I've listened to YOU.
I've learned from YOU.
&
I believe in YOU.
YOU have in abundance all the ingredients to beat this thing.
YOU are our captain.
YOU are our leader.
YOU have an enormous army, high and wide behind YOU.
WE know that with time, patience and love you can get through this.
STRENGTH, LOVE, & LIFE FORCE to our leader, REZA.
Dear Reza
I have been following your blog for a while now and didn't really know what to say, so here goes, it has made me cry, made me laugh and has taught me so much about life and how to deal with it in times of good and times of bad.
I know everyone says it but you are inspirational and if i can have half the courage you have it will make me a better person.
I read this and thought of you,
Strength and Courage
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to beloved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
and courage and strength you have.
lots of love, thinking of you
Jo xxx
Dear Reza,
I'm having so much trouble sending a message to you, as it keeps telling me I have put in an incorrect password (I'm sure I haven't)and I have tried unsuccessfully several times today. My sister was also having trouble, but I see that she has finally managed to send you a message, so I hope this gets to you as well.
I'm sorry I didn't send you a joke, but apart from the trouble I was having sending anything at all, I don't know any jokes anyway. However I enjoyed reading other people's jokes, or some of them at any rate.
We are so sorry that you are having such a tough time lately, and the pain must be hard to bear. However you have so much strength and courage that it seems you are able to cope with whatever life throws at you.
It was nice to know that your dad has been able to get over to visit you, and it must be a great comfort for you to have him with you. Also I am glad that the nurses are looking after you so well, I am sure that you must be their favourite patient!
Our thoughts are with you all the time, so keep your spirits up Reza. Remember that miracles do happen, and no-one deserves a miracle more than you do.
Lots of love, Jenny and Geoffrey.
Reza I am so proud to be on the same planet as you. You make human courage and humour into the finest art. Renewal is happening all around us, all the time, Spring has sprung, and so many of us are just willing those juices to flow around you, telling your body just who is boss.
reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeza, darling.......
Like everyone else (and to be honest you have quite a following now, you must be loving it!!!!) I have been following your blog and although it is hard reading it (far too many long words for little squeak) it makes me feel a little humble.......only a little!! Don't go getting all big headed headed on me ;)
But I'm loving the blog, it puts my trivial 'worries' into perspective and reminds me to make the most of any precious time i have, you're a trooper! Keep on trucking....hooooonkhooooooonk. thinking of you always, love, hugs etc etc squeak and the mutts x x x x
Hey Rez,
Got my cellfood supplement today. Wasn't this the same stuff that you and Jojo told me about AGES ago?
Its so easy to be skeptical about things like this because the bottle is so tiny you think how can it possibly make a difference. But this is what we have to do, re-educate ourselves about diet and nutrition. Our western ways of thinking is all about treating the problem when we should all the thinking about the cause.
I've had so many positive stories from people I have been telling about the blog that know people who have come through experiences like this with alternative medicine, hopefully they will write and share them with you soon.
Thinking of you, always
La xXx
Reza, I spoke to Moh last week and he told me about your blog. I am not really into this blogging thing. I thought it was something to do with people who meet strangers in car parks at night. Anyway I wanted to post and say Hi and that along with all your friends and family am wishing you better days ahead. When I broke my neck and was lying paralysed I too drew strength from the good wishes of those around me. If it helps you to stay positive then I can tell you that my spinal damage continued to improve for 7 years after so all you have to do is beat the cancer then get fit again. Lets see you back on that dance floor asap! All the very best mate, Rob
Hey Rez,
Dropped off the planet for a few weeks but have continued to read the blog throughout....so sorry that you've had these set backs and been going through the mental grinder working it all out and dealing with the huge implications you face. You have certainly touched the hearts of all who know you and also those who dont and with all the positivity you have surrounding you 24/7 it will be impossible not to come through this babe.
The sun is shining and so are you - shining with your future ahead of you, hurdles to jump, demons to face but mostly the exciting life you will lead once your dodgy friend and diet heal you. The world has always been your oyster Rez and that will never change.....
Oodles of love, a big squeezy hug and a kiss from me darling - I know you can do this.
Well done to Moh and JoJo too....you guys are legends and I send you lots of love too....
Nicks
xxx
Reza,
It's good to read your positivity but hard and it seems so unfair to read that your in pain. Great to see so many people behind you and on your side sending positivity for your life force.
more positivity coming your way from the south coast.
much love from us all.
Jamie.xx
you are getting better...
it seems in your blogposts...
"omid"(the hope) is the main drug! is the main medicine...but just in stories and speechs!!!
i think this "diary writing" is your best doctor that makes your body more powerfull...and best nurse too look after your mind...it seems you can be healthy very soon...
love u-nima -your cousin
Reza- I have been so angry at everything, I wish I could do something to take away your pain, no one deserves this special someone as unique as you, I feel your positive energy fighting the battle and you make me proud.
You always inspired me, I cant even begin to express how much now. Arash
love you man
Hi Reza,
I saw you at Dave & Gabby's wedding. I am Gabby's aunt. I have been reading your diary and thought I would say something. I was gravely ill years ago. I carried my daughter full term with a massive tumor in my colon, it had grown into my appendix and I also had lymph node infection . After 2 major surgeries (5 hours each) in 2 weeks I had only a 17% chance of survival. Your mind is a very powerful tool - the most powerful. To cut it short - this has been going on for 10 years - I am still here - don't know why because everyone thought I would die - I got so angry because my baby was 10 months old and she would never remember me - I'd only be a photo on the wall - anger, frustration, the injustice of it all - what on earth was it about - anyway, 2 days after the 2nd op. I woke up and thought "sod this for a game of soldiers - I aint got time to die" - I told them to take the morphine out because if I was in real pain I knew I was still alive and could try to fight my battle - the surgeon said that was what would cure me - well, I'm still here - had 6 months of chemo every 2 weeks for 3 days - up & down to the hospital every month like a yoyo - have had a few scares during that time but, I just wanted to say you have the will to live! thats it - you can do this - powerful as you like - be strong, be positive, you have courage and spirit - Powerful As - am thinking of you and rooting for you - you can do it.
Reza,
YOU'RE AMAZING! What you're going through right now is beyond belief to anyone of us, and the pain you're in, tears me apart, I´ve been in tears reading your blog so many times, it's not right, not fair. Yet still you're showing us all this incrediable strength, your determination and courage you're are ONE IN A MILLION you really are Rez. You hang on in there and fight this thing, get the visualization going and send the pac man loose.
It's so great to read everyone's postings, I feel I'm getting to know lots of your lovely friends I've never had the pleasure of meeting yet, note the yet..... I'm sure we'll all have that celleberatory RAW dinner you mentioned, once you get through this awful time.
Thanks again for sharing these deep and personal feelings it really takes a lot of cohones (you've learnt a little Spanish I hope!?)to do that. It's not easy to write so honest and openly. I truely admire you and I only wish we'd seen more of eachother through the hectic years during/post Criminal getting started and Ardy and I starting a family... however, if there's something you've taught me and I'm sure all of us, there's no point pondering, or wishing, hein site, what if etc... just get on with it and enjoy now.
I'd like to share this little true story with everyone, as it puts a smile on my face..:) do you remember the endless times you and Ardy went out clubbing (let me just remind everyone you were only 17 and Ardy 19 at the time) and one night Ardy said to me I'm going to Alcratraz with Reza don't worry babe I won't be long.....famous words..!!well I waited all night and at 8 in the morning two very sheepish, handsome rather nackered young men were ringing my door bell....they'd only decided to go clubbing in London instead! I think as far as I remember Rez, you very wisely decided to "wait" down stairs! he he... gosh that seems light years away and you see miracles do happen I still ended up marrying my lovely husband despite all the shenanigans that went on!
I'll love you and leave you for now and send lots of positive vibes and thoughts to you and life force. Thinking of you all the time.
Tina xxx
Hi Reza,
I loved Jo Kettle's poem...courage and strength...so true and so good to be reminded of the beauty of courage. It does take courage to be human, to really be true to ourselves and to be vulnerable in the face of others. Great strength comes from this kind of courage and you've really shown that.
I'm learning a lesson there too right now and it's a very hard pill to swallow. Letting go of my pride and all those very sophisticated and well homed defense mechanisms doesn't come easy. So many of us are hardwired to be tough as nails, always fighting, defending, cool, rational, never off guard, never over-emotional.
You've gone past that and found your true strength and much more besides and I admire and respect you so much for that. I'm just thinking that there are so many references every day to how amazing and inspiring you are...I hope you're not becoming immune to all these compliments ;-) maybe we should knock you about a bit before the next batch! Ha ha! It would be impossible to even try. But seriously I hope each time is like the first for you because I know they all come straight from the heart.
Isn't it amazing how this has happened? How far you've travelled in so little time? How many people are now inspired to change their lives for the better? How much community is in these pages? How they just go to show that compassion and support between us all is so vital and so instinctive?
What the hell, I'm going to stand on my plinth and say that this blog is a revolution in human courage and compassion, inspired and kept alive by you. You know how I like to wax lyrical!!
With your permission Rez, I'd really like to know a few of the changes people are making as a result of your blog. Not neccessarily like joke day because I don't want to distract from the heart of these pages but maybe a couple of stories each time you post....what do you think?
Lots of love to you xxx
Reza,
Reading your words it's hard to know what to say. Your strength, even through all the pain and questions, shines through.
I'm counting down the days with you!
Hi Reza Joon,
Where are you?
I miss hearing from you.
Sending you waves of positive energy and love,
Nadereh
Reza, how much your blog is giving us all. Everyone of your blog family is learning from your amazing story.
The comments from your friends and family are wonderful reading, and you must draw comfort from them. Your site has become so important in my life now, I’m always looking to see if another comment has been added by one of Rezas blog family….. I feel part of this community you’ve created. There’s so much love and support shining through each and every comment and testimony people write to you.
A big hello to all these lovely friends of yours, and lots of love to Moh, for doing more for you than I can possibly imagine. This is a hard time for everyone, how then, Reza have you managed to turn this into a such a bonding, positive experience for us all? You just have this amazing gift Reza, which we are gratefully sharing with you.
Lots of love, positive thoughts….,and thanks.
Hi Rez
There is a good chance that you wont read this, as I'm not sure I've mastered the technology - with the g accounts and the passwords! I have left a comment before and it didn't register, anyway.
You've asked for comments and its the least (only thing!) I can do - reading and following your journey has had a real impact on me as I'm sure it has had on all.
I have been reflecting on a couple of things - first of all your writing style is a revelation. In fact far better than your speech (only joking!).
Some of passages are mesmerising. I think that real style has always been your signature. There was me, and I have travelled a bit, including stints living in Iraq and Libya, ASSUMED that you were Persian royalty. How right I was.
I enjoyed your gansta years and how your creativity turned that into such a success, and now I see the irrepressible mega spirit - whose influence is so visible in the comments people are posting.
You are like a modern day Bagwan pouring positivity into peoples lives through the example of your love of life and humility.
The last thing that I have thought about is the words I have always known but have always puzzled me - in the most beautiful prayer I know (needs to be said out loud) Hail, Holy Mother. In it we are the 'poor banished children of eve', living 'mouring and weeping in this valley of tears'.
Is life really suffering as it seems to say? Surely only victims suffer, and surely we can avoid being victims ourselves?
I think that the prayer teaches (us who can only imagine) that actually we are all ultimately victims, and suffering is the real part of life. And what suffering you are enduring. I think we recognise it in our hearts.
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I do feel your experience is a gift to all and somehow it is very precious.
I am commending your care to the infinite love of the mother of us all, Mary, as in the prayer, to give you strength in your recovery, as I surely love you. She understands suffering and sacrifice and the good that can come of it. That is my contribution to the life Force!
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