A Little Set Back

Funny how i almost predicted i needed to rest!!!

after the writing my last post on Sat night, i had a good night sleep, but woke up in the morning and i could not feel my LEGS!
at first i thought i was dreaming. i sort of stayed in bed for a little bit longer thinking the feeling will come back, i just haven't woken up yet. half an hour later, nothing, i can't move my feet, either of them. i tried to do my meditation but couldn't get into it. i felt a dehydrated, so tried to get up to drink some water, it was very difficult getting up. i was in the room on my won, it was scary.
it took me a couple of hours to get myself together, i drank some water and took my pain killers and sat upright on my bed searching for reasons as to why this was happening. it was a very dark moment, i had tears on my eyes, i just couldn't believe it. i could not even stand on my legs to go to the toilet. But i was walking a few days ago, i had been walking with 1 crutch most of the week, i've been doing my exercises. if i was overdoing it, i would just be a little tired, i wouldn't loose all feelings, go back to point ZERO! what was happening?

all i could think of was to call Vincent, the guy that gave me the massage and helped me walk again. so i called him and he was very calm on the phone. he said to go in and have a massage, it's probably a nerve that has come out of place and this set backs happen often, almost to everyone. 1 step back, 2 steps forward. he was very reassuring and it helped.

i got myself together and Dell picked me up and took me in. it was very hard, i never thought i could make it out of bed.
i went to see Frank, the robot fingers. he had one look at me and said my hip/pelvis was totally twisted. my abs are not strong enough to hold my pelvis in place and it was normal. he did his thing and that got a few muscles moving.
i was in no pain, just no movement, i try to move my feet, my feet don't move. so frustrating.

i came out of Frank's treatment room feeling better, more confident it was temporary set back.
Suddenly Vincent appeared. on his day off, he had decided to come and see me, and make sure i was OK. i was so touched, so pleased to see him, but i felt bad he had spent his sunday driving up (in US everywhere is miles away) to see me. he took me to a quiet corner and did some more work on my legs, back and neck, we had dinner together and he took me home. what beautiful soul. as he left my place, i lied in my bed and fell asleep with the light on. i kept the light on all night, didn't want to be in the dark. i woke up a few times in the middle of the night, tried moving my legs, but no feeling at all. so disappointing, so dark and depressing. i hadn't had this feeling since the day i was told my cancer was all over my back, and chest. for the first time, that feeling of despair was coming back. i went back to sleep and hoped it would get better by the morning.

i had blood test this morning, and i really wanted to go so that i could see the results. this was one appointment i could not miss. i got up at 6 and started to somehow stretch y body and get some blood circulation going on. so hard, i just could see how i could make it out of the bed. i was convinced for a about 20 minutes that i would be bedridden for a couple of days at least. NIGHTMARE.

It was 8 and Dell was knocking on the door. how do i let him in? i can't get up. i don't know how, but i somehow managed to get up and drag myself to door, let him in, and from then he helped me on. he got my WHEELCHAIR for me. yes back in the wheelchair. everyone was coming over all day and encouraging me that it was a small set back, and they are right. i also heard how it happens to so many people, very lucky i'm staying a 4th week, and i have good support here.

i started talking to various staff straight away to understand why this had happened. the reason why i lost the feeling in my legs was because my spine was compressed by the tumor pressing on it. so this was happening again. i'm very confident it's not the tumor growing back, it would not happen over night. it would happen over a few days like it did before. also with this diet, i'm confident the tumor is stopped dead in its tracks. i feel much better overall. so what is pressing against my spinal cord! the only thing i could think of is i had too much nut ice cream (3 servings, should only have 1) on Sat night followed by cooked (i didn't know!!!!) tortilla wraps. they are both very difficult to digest and produce a lot of gas in the stomach if you are not strong to handle them. i felt my stomach and it was very hard. i wheeled myself to the colonic room as quick as i could, and asked the clonic lady what she thought, she touched my stomach and oh boy, she was amazed. very lucky for me, the lady whose appointment was at 9, gave me her place and i went in for a clonic. i had enough gas coming out of me to power Florida for a day. i came out feeling much better, still no feeling in my legs but a lot more relaxed and upper body strength. i have another clonic tomorrow with abdominal massage before hand, i'm hoping that this will make even a bigger improvement. unfortunately i have to go through the process of rebuilding my nerves and muscles again, but that's a small worry.

i have learnt another big lesson, how sensitive our body is in recovery mode. it requires patience and taking it slow. the 2 attributes i miss dearly in life. it has also taught me not to loose faith, believe in what you are doing even when you're having a set back. we can't help having negative thoughts, i think that is almost impossible, but we must stay positive. don't be flaky.

so i fasted on juice today and blended my food so i would ease my digestion. the same tomorrow and Wednesday. i'm going to do Frank's exercise routine every morning, lunch time and evening to get my abs strong and take it slow.

i'm writing this sitting in my wheelchair, i'm just as positive as i was on Sat, a little unhappy as i've lost some of my independence and freedom, but i'm on the right track and i'm sure i will make bigger recovery this time round. i'm going to take my time and be more careful.

i enjoyed reading everyone's comments. you don't know how happy it makes me when i get new comments.
i would love to reply to everyone, but i need to time to do my things, i will get back to everyone individually when i have the time. but please keep the comments coming. i love hearing from new people and people i don't know who have discovered the blog through friends. it's very inspiring for me to know people are enjoying the blog.

all my love
to life force and positive attitude
reza