What a day? What a week?

Very difficult to think of a tittle for this post. it's amazing what a difference a week or a day can make!

Is it further set back or is it my path in life?

Unfortunately things have got a lot worst since my last post.
From Sunday onwards i have been loosing more and more strength in my feet and legs to the point where on Tuesday i could barely move them.
Tuesday morning i decided it was time to come home and get a scan, see what is going on. Hippocrates is a healing clinic and they do not do diagnosis, there are no scanners and testing equipments.
In the back of my mind i was convinced it was not the cancer growing as i 100% believe in this diet and life style program. it all makes sense. but something had to be going on in my body, my condition was getting worst by the hour.
i saw the doctors at Hippocrates on Tuesday, they agreed with my decision, i changed my flight to Wednesday evening, the next available flight and started getting ready to come home.
Wednesday morning i woke up once again weaker, but managed to get myself onto my wheelchair, into the taxi and the airport.

overall it was a comfortable journey. i was still positive all the way. strange going through the airport, everyone with cups of Starbucks in the their hands, all the shops serving fast food, the smell absolutely delicious and so tempting. i boarded the plane but as time went by i started to become worried as to what was happening. doesn't matter how much you try and control your mind, it still runs away with thoughts and emotions fly high. i could not do my meditation as i couldn't get my mind under control, i just couldn't concentrate. i decided to take a couple of sleeping pills and sleep my way back, and i did.

Moh picked me up from the airport and we came straight to the hospital. i had organised everything before getting here so they were expecting me. obviously the general understanding amongst the doctors was that the tumor had grown during this time as i was not having chemo therapy causing further damage to my spine etc. i had an MRI scan at 4 pm on Thursday. they scanned the whole spine and neck, but the tumor had not grown. the scan was identical to my last scan. at least that's what they said. GREAT news.

but what could it be? a nerve infection, but that would mean i have contracted another disease, that would be highly unlikely. i have been getting healthier, boosting my immune system and so on. but i suppose i was still hoping for another reason than the cancer.

On Friday morning the doctors think the problem might be coming from higher up, perhaps a tumor in the brain!!! oops, that really got me going now. mind racing, all sorts of possibilities coming to my head. moments of real darkness, worry but at the same time confusion and i feel very emotional. i was having all sorts of thoughts in the MRI scanner. my head was inside a barred cage, the machine making loud tapping noises, i was listening to classical music on the headphones and thinking about a one way ticket to the an inevitable destination. But, and there was a big BUT, this all doesn't make sense. the first scan is not showing growth, how could there be a tumor in the brain and grown so quickly as to affect my strength over night. also i don't have any side affects such a blurred vision or headaches... i suddenly realized that just being in this environment i was starting to have negative thoughts, so easily distracted, my positivity, hope and belief was fading away, i was going backwards. come on Reza get yourself together.

the scan took 30 minutes, and the results came out within 15 minutes, all clear. a beautiful glowing brain : ) at least i definitely know i have a brain!

So what does it mean now?

20 minutes later, a neurologist consultant arrived.
he examined me and straight away ruled out any possibility of viral infection. he reviewed the scans and believed that there was further pressure on the spinal cord causing spinal cord compression or tumor growth around a blood vessel feeding the spinal cord. he prescribed IV steroids to protect my spine overnight and see if it helps with the pressure. this morning i felt slightly energetic, but that was the high dosage of steroids!

next step was to see a Neurologist surgeon to see if he can operate to relieve the pressure on the spinal cord to save my legs.

Mr Cassie arrived at 5 today, a very nice chap, in his 50s. straight to the point, he went through my symptoms, examined me, and without hesitation told me there was nothing he could do. it would be a big operation, but fairly straight forward, will take 2hrs, however he doesn't feel it would benefit me. i will risk further infection, pain, weakness and my body will have to deal with the trauma of an operation. basically i have lost my legs. no chance of recovery!!! over the next few weeks all feelings will go including pins and needles, i will be like a vegetable from chest down.

His words were piercing through my brain. every word was like a sharp bullet entering my skull, this is the end, just lie there and wait till you're totally crippled, no way back, no hope, no chance, no miracles, nothing he can do and he is very experienced. any question we asked, the answer was no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....

my mind was rushing, i was trying to visualize the life ahead of me, what life? this is not a life, just do the operation, i need to try anything, i don't want this ending, anything but this. i can't just sit here and wait till i disintegrate. this is not how it's suppose to end, no way. tears starting to poor out. Moh and Jojo were in the room with me. Dr apologizes and leaves the room.

silence, tears, my body is shaking, not sure what it is? anger, fear, sadness, outrage, what am i thinking, what should i be thinking, come on Reza, get yourself together, stop and think. but tears just took over and i just let them out.

the tears stopped and i had a clear head for a few seconds.
positivity came rushing back into my head. so many dreams wiped out of my life, but so many more came rushing in. i can make a life of this, there are 1000's of people out there successful, living healthy rich lives. i just need to find my way. then the miracles, the testimonials of the people i had met and read about at Hippocrates start rushing back, power of the mind, positive thinking. i suddenly remembered i was exactly in the same position 6 weeks ago when they told me it was all over. i managed to walk again lift my spirit, be enlightened, and be so happy.

i'm looking at it this way, what are my options? sit here and be sad, cry about it, or believe in myself and get on with life. i can make a good like. i have to play my hand, whatever my cards. it's going to be tough, so tough, the sooner i come to terms with it, the further ahead i will be.
so i'm as positive as one can be under the circumstances.

i was very annoyed he didn't give me any advice on how to protect my spinal cord from further damage and what sort routine, exercise, massage, movement or activity to adopt straight away to preserve the rest of my spine and increase my strength. this demonstrates their further narrow point of view on healing and hope. so now i am on case of finding a top rehabilitation consultant and give myself every chance to heal myself.

i am continuing with my diet and lifestyle change. some of you may say that the tumor is growing and the diet is not working. the diet takes time, it could be the tumor was still feeding on left over sugar in my body, it's takes time to clean the body, maybe the tumor had grown just a few millimeters and that was enough. anyway, that's what the doctors are saying.i have asked for CT scan this week to see if there is tumor growth anywhere else in my body, and unless there is clear evidence the tumor is growing, i am not going back to chemotherapy. i hope to get home as soon as possible to start my new life.

i'm not sad, i'm not asking why? why me? how this could be happening? i'm not backtracking to see if things could have been different, i don't see any point in this. the best thing i can do is to concentrate on the future, have hope, be positive. as Dr Brian said, 2 years to get rid of the cancer and 7 years to rebuild my body. i needed to learn patient, here comes my lesson. maybe i start my book, start studying, start a new business, so many things to do.

i will be continuing this blog, i love hearing from everyone, it helps me immensely, specially at times when i don't have time to call people, it's great reading your thoughts.
i wish more people would write. i think they enjoy reading the blog and everyone's comments, but don't take those few extra minutes to write something. it can be anything, doesn't need to be intellectual. could be about the weather or your day. just know that those few words makes Reza smile.

i've been telling most of the nurses here about my diet. Sarah makes my wheatgrass juice in the mornings for me. it's amazing how little everyone knows about nutrition and diets.

i'm starting to get emails from various people at Hippocrates. such wonderful people, and to hear how it has changed everyone's life in such a positive direction, it inspires me further that miracles are there waiting for us, we need to move towards them.

what a day, what a week, let's see what kind of life it will be.

love and positive energy
to life force
Reza